38th Birthday

Everything seems to be quiet for a while. It is my choice to be quiet. Dialogue has proven to be futile because the bastard will take it offensively. He will shout and say ‘i have nothing to say!’ as if I am the one in the wrong. As if i am the one who has an affair with a lawyer bitch whose sister has a fucking barre studio. As if I am the one who goes to KTV with other stupid dirty men who grab breasts and asked whores to sit on his laps. As if I am the one who took selfies and mass sent it to many prostitutes and asked if I looked good. As if i am the one who sent the new address to low life bitches, leaving the wife paranoid about the safety of children at home. As if I am the one who goes to China to meet a underage nurse training lover and fuck her without condom. As if I am the one who is telling lies day and night, denying having affairs, living a double life outside and doesnt show a tiny bit of remorse of all the horrible things he has done. As if I am the one who doesnt regret all the wrong doing and was so rude to the counselor. Ya right he opens his damned eyes so big when he shouted at me as if I killed his mother. No, I am actually the one who took care of his mother till the very day she died of liver cancer. And she died right next to my room.  Love is so blind. I really didnt see this coming, not in a million years. I never knew he is a monster like this. I have not seen this side and never imagine anyone would do such thing to me, let alone the husband that i so dearly loved.

He was so happy outside fucking underage whores. I am hurt and heart broken, suffering and crying at home. The best thing is, he knew i knew. He thought i have closed my eyes and let him go on with his happy life. He thinks i accept it and give him my blessings. He think I will just endure it and bear with it. ya right. perfect vision, perfect life. So happy for him right. I should make him happy. This is what the wife should do.

38th Birthday. I got the kids to draw a card for him. like what a happy intact family would do. Its all a lie. He is a monster. betraying his wife, breaking up his own family, teaching kids what bad and terrible things a man can do to his wife. just hurt her, no regrets, no remorse. If she sprains her leg, just let her be in pain. If she wants to die, just let her die. Everything is fine as long as he is fucking whores outside. No apology. No repentance.

I am so stupid to think, if he would one day realize his wrong doing. We can start again afresh. But if this is not wrong to him, why wouldnt he do it again? If telling lies is not wrong to him, he will continue lying until the day his body is burnt. If there is no secrets in his phone, why would he guard it like something more important than his life?

I am wrong to be so attached. I am stupid to love him so much. Its all my fault! Maybe i shouldnt have married him in the first place! Now what should I teach my son? That his father is filthy and disgusting and we should hate him? Should I teach my daughter not to love any man because they are all idiots and not trustworthy? My simple and innocent world is turned upside down. I dont know what to do anymore.

I tried not to talk to him, not even look at him to protect myself from more hurt. I think this hurt and betrayal is quite enough for me to grow up and look at the world in a new light. Much as I dont want to believe, men are very bad and they only care about themselves. I am stupid to think that to be able to give is a blessing. But they only repay you with hurt and heartbreaks. How is that fair?!

God! Help me!




Second day was basically eat and sleep. I woke up when the maid brought breakfast to my room. Nurse told me to go down and do the drainage massage before eating so i walked down. She was gentle enough but my whole torso and breasts were still damn sore. She told me to bear with it. She talked to me about her life and I talked about mine. Time passed by quickly. After the massage, Dr Arthur came to check on me and everything was OK. Then I walked to the operation room again to take the post op one day video which i will link here:


He told me to keep massaging my breasts to spread out the fat and I can start using the breast pump I brought with me the next day. I went back to my room after that and the whole day I was basically eating, taking medicine, napping, then eating again, medicine again and so on. I brought my laptop with me and managed to do some works and watched some funny movies. I was in a loose gown provided by the clinic the whole day, so if you are planning to come for surgery you dont need to bring a lot of clothes actually.

On the third day after breakfast, I went for massage and Dr Arthur checked on me. Another patient had arrived and I will see if I will have dinner company tonight. After that I got changed and ready to go Sun plaza for a walk. I planned to wash my hair and have lunch there. I called Grab and it took less than 10 mins to reach. Hair wash was nice and it costs 600,000 rupiah which was very cheap. Lunch was good, i had ayam penyet and also bought more for dinner.




Growing breasts with my own fat


Continued from the last post, I went for my pre-op consultation when Dr Arthur explained in details about lipo suction and fat grafting, the techniques he used, possible risks and post op care. When the consultation was done, i was brought to the operation room for photo taking and marking. Dr Arthur is a humorous doctor and he told me he is going to make rude comments like in all his other videos and he asked me not to cry. He is not rude at all and in fact kind and caring. He asked me for what I wanted my breasts to be big and if I regretted my decision then I can still call it off and got refunded. I said no, i wanted to go ahead.


After the marking I was to climb up the operation table. A few jabs were administered into different parts of my body. Those were the local anesthetic drugs and  sedative. They were a bit painful but bearable. I remembered I read that some other bloggers who went to Dr Arthur could sleep through the whole operation and woke up to take pictures. But it didnt happen for me! I started screaming and crying about the pain during the fat aspiration LOL. The nurses kept stroking my arms and head to comfort me but it was still fucking painful. I asked doctor to give me more sedative but he said everything was already in. Dr Arthur was so funny, he asked me to bear with the pain and said I was paying for my bad karma now. I said i was quite good and I had enough pain for the two natural delivery during childbirth. He asked me to bear with the pain and I might win lottery after this. LOL!


After Dr Arthur was done with the left side, he stopped to record a video before continuing with the right side. My right breast was obviously smaller to begin with and was still smaller after the fat transfer as I didnt have enough fat from my torso. If I come back again, more fat will be filled into the right breast to equalize the volume.


After the surgery, I was cleaned up and the nurse dressed the wounds and binded my abdomin for me. I bought a tummy binder which I thought was good but it was not at all. I got it from a shop at Chinatown when i was buying the yunnan baiyao but it is cotton material. The shop owner said cotton material is good and breathable. It is not the case for compression garment. I need to buy a proper one when I go back.

I was brought back to my room on the 2nd storey after cleaning up. And nurse had already ordered porridge for dinner for me. It was cold so I had it microwaved. There is a living room with drinking water, milo, fruits in the fridge and microwave for us to use. I could still walk around no problem. The pain was not that bad and it’s mainly in the tummy and lower back. Only thing is that the tummy bind is tight it’s not easy to get up from bed. Nurse asked why I didn’t ask my husband to come together so he can be of some help. Well I wish he cared! He didn’t even ask me why I was going to Medan. If he had cared I might have higher self esteem and not have to go through this.

Everything is going to be OK, I am taking good care of myself!

After dinner I took my medicine and went to sleep. This ended the first day in Medan.





I am in Medan!

Since the breakdown of my marriage, i decided to regain the control of my life and make a change.

I have always been very self conscious about my flat chest. And the problem got worse after breastfeeding the kids. So I am going to do something about it to make myself happy, or to make my future husband happy.

After doing some research, i decided to go to Dr Tjandra in Medan. This is the website: http://www.elixirdevie.sg/

Before the trip, his assistant has sent me a lot of emails with useful information. I then booked myself an appointment and landed in Medan! The flight from Singapore was a little longer than an hour and it passed quickly. I booked the airport transfer service so the driver was waiting for me when i walked out. The staff at the clinic received me warmly and helped me order lunch delivery as I was a bit hungry. I was told to take a shower because after surgery there is no more chance to shower today. So i showered and blew dry my hair. Food came when i was almost done with my hair so i ate my first meal in Medan!

I am resting on bed waiting for the staff to call me for pre-op consultation. Excited!

Out for an adventure

So it’s my birthday again. Instead of feeling miserable and sobbing at home, I booked myself a little trip to Medan. I will be getting liposuction and fat transfer to my breasts! Looking forward to tomorrow!!

To bring list:

  1. passport
  2. money
  3. online banking token
  4. credit cards
  5. phone
  6. breast pumps
  7. change of clothes, must be loose
  8. compression garments
  9. skin care and toiletries
  10. bath towel (not neccesary as it is provided)
  11. laptop
  12. laptop and phone charger

To do list before trip:

  1. book airticket- i use Jetstar and it costs $150 from Singapore to Medan
  2. start taking yunnan bai yao (bought in Chinatown) for bruises and swelling 3 days before surgery
  3. increase credit card/ bank daily transfer limit to 20k
  4. activate overseas usage for debit card/ credit card
  5. activate sms and voice overseas roaming
  6. confirm airport pickup and accommodation
  7. book grabhitch the night before (in the end i just grab. Grabhitch drivers are not reliable sometimes.)

I am ready to go!

Poisonous relationship

11 years ago, on 15 july you suddenly said you will appear again when you are ready to talk. And you disappear for 15 days. I was not able to reach you in any ways. Your brother texted me and asked if there was anything he could help. I didnt say anything about you missing in action. Those days were like hell to me. I wasnt able sleep and eat. And didnt know who to talk to. A few days later, You reappeared and said you couldn’t get married. And you were not able to give any reasons. My heart was broken, i was so scared. I panicked, i didnt know what to do. I booked airticket immediately to fly on my last day of work. One senior brother in church called and asked me to reconsider this relationship. He thought you might not be a good person to marry. So it turned out, there was another woman in your life, you suddenly fell in love with her and kicked me aside just like that. It didnt matter to you how hurt i was and how helpless i was. It didnt bother you.

Last year. August. Exactly the same thing happened. All of a sudden you didnt talk to me. You slept in the children room and came home after 3 am every night. With no explanation. What reasons could there be? True enough, there are other women. And evidence was very concrete.

I am your wife, by marriage vow we are connected. And i should be the most important person in your life, yet you can push me and step on me anytime like a doormat.

You said you wanted to move on. Who is going to compensate me for all those hurt? Why must i be just hurt and forgive?

You are fucking exactly the same as your idiot fathet! He left home anytime he wanted to be with any other woman. And not apologetic even if he got found out. And came home anytime when no one wanted him anymore, his whole life. My mil was a doormat. She was a pushover. She said there was no way out for her from this poisonous relationship. She swallowed all the sorrow and died of cancer. She didnt have the courage to leave that poisonous idiot.

What about me? I have plans.

I dont want my son to subconsciously think its ok to treat his wife that way and hurt anyone like nobody’s business. I need to break this curse for him. And i need to protect my girl from thinking that all woman must suffer and crying everyday for a bad husband is ok and normal. It is not!

Sorry kids i got you such a bad dad as an example. But i promise i will get you out of this and get you a new life. Your father is good for nothing. But you are not. You are my most precious and you will forever be.

Useless, worthless

Today there were a lot of parking lots at the roadside. But you said you need to pump petrol, because the car is running dry. I know this is an excuse to not sit in the service. I know all your stupid vices.

There is only one and a half hour of Sunday service every week and you always try to escape. Because you want to run away from God. You think you are running away from me, no, you are running away from God. God has endless patience and time for you. I don’t.

I kept texting to ask where you are. You said you are parking at the hotel because there is no more parking nearby. This is expected! When the church crowd comes, all the lots will be taken! This is not the first day you go to church! Dont make a fool of yourself by treating others as retarded.

I do feel hurt. You dont want to sit with me at church. I know. You feel uncomfortable because there is so much guilt. You know what fucking deeds you have done. Multiple affairs, bringing girls on ‘business trips’, leaving me weeping day and night at home, broken hearted. All these didnt bother you a bit. You are such a fucking narcissist like your father, who thinks the sun and moon exist solely because of you. And all the women on the earth are there to serve you sexually and otherwise. You are sick to the bone! Why must you live? Why dont you die this instant?

I cant convince myself to stay in the marriage anymore. Spiritually, you are dead. You dont love God. I married a Christian. Now i am not sure what you are. Thats fine. Many women married non-believers and they are so loved by their husbands and they are happy. But shit i dont feel no love from you fucking bastard. I still have to suffer from your fucking silent treatment on a daily basis. Whatever i ask there is no answer. How do you take this kind of emotional abuse son of a bitch! And nevermind, some women stay in a marriage with no love because of money. Now! Where is the money gone? To all those wholes? They sucked your wallet dry when they suck your dick? Dont tell me it doesnt cost to be a playboy. Die, please go to hell.

What other reasons do i have to stay here? I sat at the service and prayed to God, please I beg you God, tell me when my suffering will end? Will it not end? How long more do i go to church weeping? I cant take it anymore. It’s not fair when i cant divorce him because i have made the marriage vow. And he can break it anytime he wants because he is a fucking bastard. When, oh Lord, when can i get out of this?