Happy New Year. Not.

Some friends sent me images about happy new year. A good 2018 to look forward to. Not for me. I don’t know what good there is to look forward to. Life is a torture. Everyday is just suffering. Living with a man that doesn’t love me anymore has been affecting me emotionally and now physically as well. Sometimes I really wonder what I am living for. Maybe my kids. Maybe my parents. Maybe I have never once lived for myself. I need to seriously think about that.

If I have known he would change and be what he is now 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have left my family, my hometown and everything behind to marry him. I have enjoyed a good 10 years of good marriage — he was a good husband, the best father I could have asked for, and my best friend. I have never once imagined that can change overnight. Well maybe not overnight. Maybe across a few months. Does that matter? We ended up where we are now. Deep shit.

Is there an expiry date to love in marriage? If there is, I think we have reached that date. No one has told me that before I got married. Why do people still get married? It’s just pain and no fun at all! 10 years of love and your time is up!

Pain will numb your senses one day. You can’t feel any emotions anymore. You wander about and don’t know what shit will come tomorrow. Then you give up and live like a walking dead. What are all these? I didn’t sign up for any of these! I thought love until death do us part! What the hell!

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