Silver lining

There should be a silver lining to every suffering I am going through, so I believe. There should be a reason why I have to face a marriage crisis all alone on a foreign land, where family support is not available and there is not many friends to talk to. God should be a some grand reward for me when i reach the other side of the dark tunnel. I admire myself for being so positive, when I am suspecting affairs and preparing for the worst that can happen to me and my children.

When crisis mode strikes, I realized all I have is my children. My love for them suddenly fills all my heart. Not that I didn’t love them before, it’s just that the daily hassle and bustle always leave me chasing and shouting at them instead of hugging and talking lovingly to them. When it dawns on me that I might lose my husband’s love forever, I naturally reach out for my children’s love. After all they were in my womb for 10 months and I gave birth to them almost lost my life, both times. And immediately they responded. They were so ready to love me with all their hearts. Now we kiss, hug and cuddle; play games, talk about their friends, school, church and things in my childhood. I feel like I can survive as a single mom with the love from my children. They are my world.

All the lonely nights at home can really drive me into depression. Who should I tell about my husband not coming home and I have no idea where he is? People would say I should ask him. I did, but most of the time he wouldn’t tell me. And he can easily make up a lie can’t he? Some may say I should get a life of my own and have fun going out with friends. I don’t have the heart to leave my children behind at night when they need me so much. And…being at home for so many years, I really don’t have many friends. Most of my ‘friends’ are other mothers who went to the same school, swimming class, gym class, chess class, skating class etc, with my children. I have friends from church too, but I am not ready to share with them that my husband might be having an affair. I think they will judge him and spread rumours and gossips. The next morning when I wake up the whole world will know what is happening in my household with some facts twisted.

That’s why it’s safer to just pay a few dollar a month, open a WordPress account and type my sorrows away. It feels safer that way. If I tell someone I have suicidal thoughts they might check me into a mental hospital. If I tell someone I have thought about ways to kill my husband and whoever he might be having affairs with, I might get reported to the police and got detained. But as long as I remain anonymous I should be safe to tell the world I hate my husband here? I should be safe to express all the evil thoughts that goes on in my mind? I should get sympathy from everyone who has gone through or going through similar episodes in life?

In fact I found that being a keyboard warrior and just saying how I fucking hate him here to an invisible audience make me hate him less in the real world. I can smile at him and pretend I am leading a normal in an absolutely abnormal relationship. All these lonely nights at home gave me time to reflect and learn about myself. I am quite good actually. Not the prettiest in the world, but quite pleasant. I am smart, fun, friendly and kind. I have good manners and raise my children well. I am good to my family and his family, and would say I don’t have any regrets ill-treating anyone badly even if I am to die tomorrow. Yup, I am a good catch. If he wants to let go of me, he suffers great loss.

Apart from loving the children more and realizing how good I actually am, there is yet another silver lining. I enrolled myself in a correspondence master degree program which I can work on after my children sleep. I only need to fly out for a few weeks for a few summers. I think I am unconsciously preparing myself for the worst that can come. For so many years I have been depending on him. It’s perfectly fine in a good relationship. But there will be power struggles when things go sour. He pays all the bills, mortgage and grocery and I have always been at the receiving end. Don’t even have a credit card of my own. I felt like he has the upper hand and I am losing. Like now, he can choose to treat me like shit.

So I am charging his credit card for my school fees and he didn’t even ask me what it was. Anyway education will stay with me forever, although I am not able to hoard his money for safekeeping, I can use his resources to better equip myself for whatever that is to come.

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