Confrontation

When I could no longer bear with the emotional abuse, I confronted him.

I asked him what is it about all this silent treatment he is giving me. This is not acceptable. Not being a yeller my whole life, I found it hard to raise my voice to him. I am so used to talking to him in a small sweet voice. I found my voice shaking when he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and asked me what it was. I said I am so angry at him treating me like this. He said he is not treating me whatsoever and just needed to work. I wished I can shout and curse him but I couldn’t.

I said I am furious, my heart is boiling I wish I punch him. I wish him death. He doesn’t deserve to be alive. He is not fit to be called a human being. He doesn’t deserve my love. He doesn’t deserve my children. If I knew he would be like this I would have never married him.

Then he raised his voice. He said, ‘Stop shouting about!’ and nothing else. He is also not a yeller. That is why we had never argued. Not in the entire ten years. All problems have been resolved in dialogues. Simple and efficient. Screaming and calling names were never needed in our household.

Without a channel to practice, both of us were tongue-tied when a confrontation is called for. How funny was that. Imagine how good it will be when I wake up tomorrow he is not there anymore. He could die of car accident, heart attack, cancer, stroke, choking on nuts, unknown allergic reaction. And he would be gone. How fragile are men! Only not the one you hate!

Then I will move on. There will be no more emotional abuse, I could live happily ever after with my children. How I hate him! How I wish he dies this instant!

But my tears keep rolling down my face as I am typing this. I still love him. He was my first love and I married him. I have never fallen in love with anyone else. If he dies, what will my world become? I will be a single mom and my children will have no father. The world will collapse and there will be no future.

What torture! What good there is about living? There is only unhappiness and sufferings. I only want to live a simple life!fist-blow-power-wrestling-163431.jpeg

2 thoughts on “Confrontation”

  1. I have felt exactly the same as you have on many occasions. Hate and Love are closely intertwined. I suspect a large population of marrieds feel this way as well. Back and forth from love to hate. I found what swings me to love is the ability to safely say to my husband (in a respectful manner, which I find hard to do when angry), what I feel and how I want him to change or do something different in the future. Also the ability to call him on his crap right then and there or just as soon as I realize something unnaceptable has happened also keeps me feeling validated as a person in the relationship. But it’s so important to take it and encourage him to do the same and feel safe doing so. Being safe emotionally to show your unhappiness, anger, sadness, feeling rejected, unloved, ignored with clear and concise instructions on how for him or her to do things differently can lead to much deeper love.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s