I thought I still have hopes in him. Because he used to be so good to me, and still so good to the children. I clinged onto the hope that he will turn around and we will be happily ever after again. Should I be dreaming on? This ain’t happening anyhow. He is still so cold. When I talk to him he responds in a volume only mouse can hear. Or worse still, no response at all. I am so fed up talking to a walking corpse who shows so much affections to his children, so much interest in his co-workers but treat me like dirt. Why should I hang on?? I can’t see any reasons why.

Maybe I should leave him at the end of the day. He doesn’t deserve my love and care. He doesn’t reciprocate. He has changed and is not the person I fell in love with. People say I should be strong for my children. Do they mean I should stay in an unhappy marriage like this and sacrifice myself only for the children? I am not even sure if they will appreciate what I do. I have seen so many women in unhappy marriages become so bitter they can’t be a happy mother for the children. I think women have to learn to love and take care of themselves before she has the capacity to love others.

After half a year’s struggling, my emotions have settled. I should not wait for a man who doesn’t care about me when I broke my ankle, who doesn’t even bother when I was molested and filed for a police report. Why should I care about him? Just why?

My best friend has gone through similar ordeals and she gave me some advice. She told me to gather all the evidence of his adulterous acts so in case of a divorce I have something to protect myself and not have to wait a 3 years seperation. He will have to maintain my standard of living as a long standing marraige of more than 10 years, and with kids. And he will be responsible for the financial expenses of the kids. I will get custody of the children as a full-time mom the whole time. My best friend even told me to increase my spendings now, keep every receipts and stop working my freaking part time jobs. All sound cruel but if it needs to be done, it has to be done?

The deal sounds not bad at all to me. Anyway I am so fed up with such a ‘husband’ whose mere importance of his existence to me now is his money. How sad is that. I don’t know how love has evolved to where we are now. I have really done my best. If I can live abundantly like now without having to put up his fucking attitude, it’s not a bad deal to me. I can be free again to live a life I want, only maybe with the label of a single mom. There are so many single parents now, I am sure I can survive as one too, if need be.


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