I went to see my counsellor yesterday. I told her it’s too tiring to go on for any longer. I set off thinking I will save my marriage no matter what it takes. That I want my family to be intact and divorce should never be in my vocabulary. But nine months down the road, I have done all I can — changing my perspective, managing my expectations, taking good care the house and children, working on making myself more attractive, etc. I would say I came out a renewed and better person. I have more understanding about myself and more sympathy for my children and everyone around us— this journey is not all loss to me.
But one thing remains unchanged- my husband. He kept his stand to be cold and distant, and as hostile as possible to me. He talks lovingly to the children, politely to the helps at home, but never to me. He still won’t look into my eyes when I talk, and don’t even gaze away from the computer screen when I talk to him. There is no love and respect in the relationship. To a point of emotional abuse. I think there is no reason I have to put up with this anymore. So I discussed it with the counsellor, and went through all the consequences of any next steps I might take. The session with counsellor was very painful but nonetheless useful for preparing me for what is about to come.
I got home, texted my husband to let him know that I cannot take his shit anymore and am ready to give up. I asked for a 15 mins to talk about it as otherwise he does not talk to me at all. He replied, ‘I am sorry. We’ll talk tonight.’
After settling kids for beds, I went into the bedroom to read. (We have no interaction at all at night. Not that I don’t want. He is icy cold and pushes me away. He would be staring into the computer the whole night and I have no choice but to entertain mysef with something else.) He came into the room and sat down at his side of the bed, ‘What do you want to talk about?’ Having rehearsed what I need to say, I said ‘ I need to know what is your stand about this marriage. Because I won’t go on like this. This is rotting my mental health. If it doesn’t move forward, release me to find a rich stepdad for your children.’ That was almost the exact wording coming from my mouth. He said he has never thought of a divorce. But love has faded since a while ago and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He thought of going through a seperation but doesn’t know if that would help. (No, absence won’t make a dead heart grow fonder.) He said he has nothing to say to me and wanted to run away when I get close to him. He denied having an affair and said it was not any affairs which deteriorate our relationship.
What loads of freaking bullshit! Don’t you want to punch him right in his face? This undeserving son of a bitch! But I thanked him for his honesty.
Still keeping my calm, I asked him if he is going to work on the marriage or let me walk away. He said he doesn’t know where to start? I suggested going out for short dates every week. We have not done that since my mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. He always gave me the excuse of being too tired from work, and wanted to rest at home; and he doesn’t like to leave kids with the helps during weekend. He is the one who doesn’t have the heart to build relationship.
He said he worried he wouldn’t have anything to say except about the children. He said he might not be able to talk to me. How I hate this man. He shouldn’t have been born! Freaking bastard! Go to hell and don’t come back! Anyway, I suggested going to shorts dates of an hour everytime including travelling time to make it less intimidating. He agreed. And we will keep our conversation topics about children only.
We will see how it goes, I am not very hopeful.