Commitment

it’s going to be our 10 years anniversary on Sunday. I told him I am going to book dinner for two of us, he agreed. When I told him I booked cable car for our anniversary, he hesitated and said he doesn’t want to be stuck there for a few hours. It will not be a few hours, only 1.5 hours max.

We had our dinner there 10 years ago after we got married. He didnt have any money back then and we didnt have a banquet. I didnt mind a bit. We invited his family out for dinner, his dad didnt even turn up. Maybe I was too easy on him that I had become a doormat over the years. I have never asked for anything extravagant and was always contented with his love for me. He was everything to me. He booked that cable car dinner and I thought it was so much fun and enjoyed every bit of it. After dinner, we had a stay-over at a local hotel. That was our honeymoon. We didn’t even have a proper honeymoon. I may have asked for too little and now whatever little that he did for me was gone. I feel frustrated and angry. It is just so unfair. I have done my part way over what is expected of me but it is still not good enough?

10 years down the road I am still the simple and easily contented me and now I am not good enough for him? I think I really should fucking leave this piece of garbage behind. He doesnt deserve it.

But I have made a pledge to save my marriage. Even if it cant work out in the end I can say I have worked my part in it. I reflected on myself, changed for better and kept doing my part in the house. I am still very loving to him although it is not reciprocal at all. He still keeps a lot of secrets from me and being hostile. If God is not my strength I have gone crazy and might even have killed him. I dont know how long more I can live under this kind of environment. I think I will give myself a year? Keep praying and working on the marriage one-sidedly and hope for the best? I dont know. I wish God gives me an answer whether to go on or leave him now! Who can tolerate this?

Back to the cable car dinner, I have already booked a cabin for two( using his credit card of course). And whether he turns up is not my freaking problem. I told him very nicely that it is our 10 years anniversary and I have booked that place. I am thinking of using the 36 questions to fall in love as a conversation starter. As this son of a bitch is not willing to talk to me about his work or friends. Everything is just so fishy.

There is so much frustration in me that I do wish his business fail completely, he and his partner die of cancer, and all his friends betray him. Then will he realise how important I am?  I am really confused. God please shine your ligts on me. I beg You.

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