38th Birthday

Everything seems to be quiet for a while. It is my choice to be quiet. Dialogue has proven to be futile because the bastard will take it offensively. He will shout and say ‘i have nothing to say!’ as if I am the one in the wrong. As if i am the one who has an affair with a lawyer bitch whose sister has a fucking barre studio. As if I am the one who goes to KTV with other stupid dirty men who grab breasts and asked whores to sit on his laps. As if I am the one who took selfies and mass sent it to many prostitutes and asked if I looked good. As if i am the one who sent the new address to low life bitches, leaving the wife paranoid about the safety of children at home. As if I am the one who goes to China to meet a underage nurse training lover and fuck her without condom. As if I am the one who is telling lies day and night, denying having affairs, living a double life outside and doesnt show a tiny bit of remorse of all the horrible things he has done. As if I am the one who doesnt regret all the wrong doing and was so rude to the counselor. Ya right he opens his damned eyes so big when he shouted at me as if I killed his mother. No, I am actually the one who took care of his mother till the very day she died of liver cancer. And she died right next to my room.  Love is so blind. I really didnt see this coming, not in a million years. I never knew he is a monster like this. I have not seen this side and never imagine anyone would do such thing to me, let alone the husband that i so dearly loved.

He was so happy outside fucking underage whores. I am hurt and heart broken, suffering and crying at home. The best thing is, he knew i knew. He thought i have closed my eyes and let him go on with his happy life. He thinks i accept it and give him my blessings. He think I will just endure it and bear with it. ya right. perfect vision, perfect life. So happy for him right. I should make him happy. This is what the wife should do.

38th Birthday. I got the kids to draw a card for him. like what a happy intact family would do. Its all a lie. He is a monster. betraying his wife, breaking up his own family, teaching kids what bad and terrible things a man can do to his wife. just hurt her, no regrets, no remorse. If she sprains her leg, just let her be in pain. If she wants to die, just let her die. Everything is fine as long as he is fucking whores outside. No apology. No repentance.

I am so stupid to think, if he would one day realize his wrong doing. We can start again afresh. But if this is not wrong to him, why wouldnt he do it again? If telling lies is not wrong to him, he will continue lying until the day his body is burnt. If there is no secrets in his phone, why would he guard it like something more important than his life?

I am wrong to be so attached. I am stupid to love him so much. Its all my fault! Maybe i shouldnt have married him in the first place! Now what should I teach my son? That his father is filthy and disgusting and we should hate him? Should I teach my daughter not to love any man because they are all idiots and not trustworthy? My simple and innocent world is turned upside down. I dont know what to do anymore.

I tried not to talk to him, not even look at him to protect myself from more hurt. I think this hurt and betrayal is quite enough for me to grow up and look at the world in a new light. Much as I dont want to believe, men are very bad and they only care about themselves. I am stupid to think that to be able to give is a blessing. But they only repay you with hurt and heartbreaks. How is that fair?!

God! Help me!

 

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